In a world of "What If's"

This morning as we were about to leave for church, my husband tells me he found a tick on the carpet this morning...nice. We do have a dog so my assumption is he brought it in from the woods. Gross. As we got in the car and headed to church, I started becoming more concerned about the fact that a tick was INSIDE my house where my kids play. I turned to my husband and said "What if that tick were to get on one of us and we got some sort of disease!!" In his most sweetest and sincere voice my husband replied "honey, we don't live in a world of 'what if's'. Profound? Yes. Simple? Not hardly. I began to think more about that statement. When he said "we" did he mean me? I am certainly the worry wart of the family. I have to say I have improved tremendously over the years but there are still times when I live in fear of the unknown and am shaken easily by things that derail my well planned day.

 As I sat through church I couldn't stop thinking about that statement. It certainly struck a cord with me and the longer I sat and thought about it, the more my heart began to ache with conviction about my own state of peace. One of the scriptures used in the sermon this morning was Isaiah 9:6, coincidentally the same verse I chose for our family Christmas cards this year. It reads, "For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Prince of Peace. I quickly looked up the Hebrew word for Peace, Shalom. It is used over 230 times in the Bible. Hmmm....so what does that mean? I read further and noticed how that word was used throughout the Bible. Completeness, wholeness, safety, soundness, health, contentment, friendship with others, covenant relationship with God, peace from war.

Was my life missing any of these things? If yes, then my life was missing peace. Peace that came from a loving God in Heaven through a son he brought to earth in the form of a baby, a living, breathing, piece of God here on earth for us. Ironic as it sounds, during the Christmas season as we celebrate the birth of this baby: God in the flesh, Prince of Peace, we seem to get stressed and anxious about the things that would otherwise be non-existent if we received the peace that He has brought us.

I was instantly brought to tears as I sat in the pew and examined my heart and saw that I was that person. The one who asked, "What if?", the one who constantly worried about finances, the health and safety of my children, making friends, our government leaders, the economy. I am certainly one to make wise choices about these things, but I also understand that the ultimate result is out of my hands. Peace is not a choice we make. It is not something we get up daily and say "today I am going to have peace about .....". It doesn't work that way. This type of peace is not a prescriptive for the holidays or daily living. It comes ONLY as a result of a broken spirit, in desperate need of a savior, groping to find Him daily by being a student of his Word. Thank you God that it is as simple as that. Adding "find peace" to my already long list of things to do today would just stress me out.

The Return Part II

 We spent most of the summer searching for work and facing the fact that moving again was a likely option.  Part of me was excited to start over. It had been so hard adjusting to this town that a newer, bigger town just might be the change we needed.  As the months moved on, the leads got colder and the opportunities that once were there, were no longer.  Hope was beginning to fade in my eyes but Matt was optimistic. We had a game plan and we were about to have to put it in motion.

The thing about a small town is everyone knows someone who knows someone.  That was the very thing that landed Matt his next job.  So far, things are great. He loves it and they love him.  He is home for dinner almost every night and doesn't have to be out of town or work long weird hours or on weekends.  The kids are happy to have daddy back and present!

Fast forward.  I am now 26 weeks pregnant and expecting baby girl in January. Of course we are beyond excited!  Nathan and Sarabeth are adjusting the idea of having a little sister around.  They will do great.  I am still adjusting to this town and our life as we know it here.  I am thankful for God's provision for our family, but sometimes question the path.  It is not one I would have chosen but nevertheless, we are on it.  It is easy to trust God when things are going the way you expect them to.  It is so much harder when you are unsure.  This season of our life has been one big uncertainty, but I know it is good.

Returning to my roots has been tough and has required much, much I am slowly giving up through clenched fists.  It is causing me to return to a place with God that I have left vacant for too long.  He has given us much in the past few years and to whom much is given, much is required.  I can feel a new season approaching and I am looking forward to what is in store for this family of 5. So I guess returning isn't so bad, my spot is even still warm.

The Return Part 1

I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged. Writing has always been my passion, my outlet, something that I have always looked forward to doing. With the rise of Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites, my blog has been totally neglected and I have felt the pains.

I haven't blogged much about the last few years which have been a gamut of emotions filled with surprises, good and not so much.

It has been nearly 2 years since moving to Arkansas from Houston. After moving out of my in-laws in January of this year into our own place in town, life started to look a little more "normal". Matt found a job quickly after moving and the kids and I started to establish somewhat of a routine in our new surroundings. My sewing continued but become so much tougher with two little ones at home and my mother in law not!

Most moms around here work full time and being in a small town has proved to be a challenge when trying to meet friends and find fun things for the kids to be involved in. Nathan turned 2 in February and Sarabeth 4 in November...coming up on 3 and 5! Matt and I continued to become involved in our local church and he is now teaching one of the adult Sunday School classes. I tried my hand at first grade for a semester and it really wasn't too bad. This spring and summer was tough on our family as Matt's job had him working in Dallas for a majority of the time. The kids and I were able to make a few trips up to visit and enjoyed some fun times being in the "city"! As life began to settle down a little, Matt's job ended unexpectedly and we were again faced with the challenge of looking for employment.

More to come.....

They Said Jesus on TV

Not only did they say Jesus, they SANG it! Not since Mandesa have I heard a christian song on American Idol. However I was blown away when they ALL sang "Shout to The Lord" as the closing song for the evening last night with a full choir. I was definitely impressed. Tonight they opened the show with the same song. Way to go FOX. By the way I LOVE Brooke White and David Cook. Tonight they were both "safe"!

Yes I'm an American Idol Junkie.

Mockingbirds Diamond Rings and Goats

This past weekend my mom and grandma came to visit and help out packing for our move next weekend. My poor grandma worked so hard and of course my mom played with Sarabeth all day! At one point during the day I heard my mom singing to Sarabeth, just as she did with me and my brother when we were small. I had struggled over the past few months to remember the words to any lullaby that mom had sung to us but as my mom sang, the words came back to me. It's funny how they make no sense at all as an adult! I mean really, who would buy their child a bird, expensive jewelry or a farm animal? I can just see some mom at Wal-Mart negotiation with her child that if they will just behave and be quite then she'll stop by the farm on the way home and let them pick out a new billy goat. Nonetheless, the songs soothed miss Sarabeth right into dreamland. Here are some pictures from the weekend.

The Mom

Today I put my shirt on backwards and inside out and didn't even notice. Today I took a short nap on the edge of bed, fully clothed including shoes, with my glasses on, with Sarabeth in her bouncy within arms reach of the bed..just in case her binky fell out-that would mean a burst of crying so loud your ears would ring. Now who can take a nap with that.

Today I actually brushed my hair, for fear of having to get out of the house for anything and seeing someone I thought looked familiar.

Today I didn't take a shower, usually that comes at 7 pm when Matt gets home, granted he's not working too late. In that case I skip the shower and go straight to bed. I wouldn't want the shower to wake me up when I'm so close to passing out.

Today I called the pediatrician 3 times hoping to get a different person from the time before to answer the question "why won't my child stop crying". The same lady answered all 3 times and gave me the same answer...she'll get better.

I know my life sounds so exciting, you want to be me. Well sorry people, unless you want to attempt to function on 4-5 hours of sleep per day, feed a child 8 times (including 2am and 5 am), change about 12 diapers-some of which are very stinky-do laundry, wash bottles (all 12 of them), make dinner, make at least one trip to Wal-Mart where you forget to buy at least 2 things that weren't on your list but you are in desperate need of, come home and leave your child in the car seat because she is sleeping for the first time in 5 hours, and attempt to take a nap-ATTEMPT because she will wake up as soon as you put your head down...I promise-unless this sounds appealing then I suggest you be happy with who you are and not to envy me.

I have to admit I'm not the person I was 5 weeks ago. I can't explain how it happens but becoming a mother changes you into a someone you would have never guessed was inside. Some days are like today, actually most days are. But some days I look down at my baby girl while she is sleeping and weep. While motherhood is a mostly thankless job with no paycheck, nothing can be more rewarding than the love I feel for my child. She smiles every time I change her diaper, even if she's in mid cry. She loves to take a bath. She gets so excited and kicks her legs when she plays on her tummy. She hates for people to touch her feet. She falls asleep every time I hold her in my arms and rock and sing to her. She's so innocent and I can't help but look at her and fall in love with who she already is. And best of all, she's mine. God gave me this one chance to raise one of His own. What a job!

So what if I may wear spit up on my shoulder all day, and leave the house fashionably in sweats and tennis shoes, wear my hair in a ponytail and carry a diaper bag instead of my favorite Fossil purse. So what if I only get to shower on the weekends (just kidding!), and I feel like I do dishes all day, in the end, I'm a mom. I'm THE MOM and she loves me no matter what.

No One Told Me

That motherhood would be this hard.

That 12 days after giving birth I would look down and still not see my feet.

That right about the time I closed my eyes, she would open hers.

That I would be tempted to scroll through my phone to find someone to call to watch her while I went to the bathroom.

That the thought of a pedicure and manicure seemed so far away.

That such a tiny little being could have such explosive diapers!

That the lady at Walmart would ask me when my baby was due...5 days post partum.

No one ever told me what it would be like to be a mom. Yet, despite these things no one could have told me the joy that motherhood brings. Even in the middle of the night when I'm switching her from the cradle to the swing to the bouncy seat, just to get a few more minutes sleep, all I have to do is look at her sweet little face, and it all goes away.

I hear all of these things in my head "wait as long as you can to have kids, they change your life forever" "Your life will never be the same" " just wait, you'll never sleep right again".

The truth hurts.

Matt and I are trying hard to settle in, but it hasn't been easy. Sarabeth is such a great baby, rarely cries, but we are still up every 2-3 hours feeding, burping, entertaining, pumping milk (well me, not Matt :) The days and nights start to run together and soon your forget what day it is altogether. I know this time is temporary and I am enjoying her infancy. It's just hard adjusting, knowing that your comfy, soft bed is calling your name and you have to ignore it for the time being. Maybe one day, I'll sleep. Until then, I'll just keep depending on my daughters sweet face and uncontrollable smiles in the middle of the night to keep my mind off the rest.